“The things you’ll learn from ALL MY FRIENDS ARE ENGAGED: Never trust a boy wearing jorts and sometimes, love can be as messy as finger painting.”–Jen Glantz

Every minute in America, at least 5 of your Facebook friends are getting engaged (give or take). Sick of checking your newsfeed and wanting to hide inside of your empty bag of Doritos? Over hearing everyone from your mother to your Rabbi asking you why are you still single? Wish you could forget about that horrible first date where the guy spent 35 minutes talking about his ex-girlfriend before trying to slobber his guacamole stained chapped lips all of your earlobe? ALL MY FRIENDS ARE ENGAGED won’t solve any of those problems–sorry! But it will make you laugh. Even better, it’ll be your companion on a lonely Saturday night while you’re watching some rom-com, alone, stuffing donuts into your mouth.

My eBook has been out for less than one week and already, it has hooked up with the #8 spot on Amazon (for humor essays) and the #2 spot (for hot new releases: humor essays). But here’s some FAQ’s that have floated into my inbox or were delicately shouted into my ear from my beautiful mother while she was trying to instruct her adorable friends on how they can read it.

A. “So, isn’t staying single kind of a career choice?”

-Quite possibly my most favorite question ever sent to me from a GUY reader. I replied with NO. Just to receive the follow up question of, well what would have happened to Sex & the City if Carrie Bradshaw got married? 

She, eventually, did. The main reason i write (and plaster my personal life all over the internet) is because i want to relate to people via the different stages and experiences that i’m going through in my life. When i’m no longer single and one day (far, far away) when i’m married, i’ll change up the underlying topics of my content. But i’ll never stop writing.

B. If i don’t have a Kindle or a Nook or an iPad, can i still read the book?

-As one of the sole supporters and donators of the NY Public Library (thanks to all the library fines i acquire for neglecting to return my books on time), i don’t own an e-Reader or a tablet. And until i stop being so stubborn and give in to technology a bit more, i’ll only be able to read my own eBook on my phone or computer. You can easily do the same [See D. to learn how].

C. Can I set you up with my really awesome single friend?

-Does your friend like to read an overwhelming amount of paperbacks? Walk around the city with no final destination in mind? Rock out to loud music, get full on fresh pizza, give into mid-day naps, and say yes to adventures that make the butterflies laugh inside their stomach? Then, yes, please.

D. Where can i pick up a copy?

–Amazon: if you buy it here, you can read it on your Kindle, iPad, phone, or computer. For the last two devices, just download the Kindle app and you can read it on there (Kindle app for PC’s + Kindle app for MAC’s)

-It’s also available on iTunes for all you delicious Apple people.

E. Why do talk about pizza so much?

-Come to NYC and for $1, i’ll show you why. Until then, i’ll keep on searching for a guy who look at me with the same kind of goo-goo eyes with which i look at pizza.

F. Are all these stories true?

-They are and most of them have witnesses.

G. If i really liked it, what can i do now?

-Post a review on Amazon or iTunes.

-Share it with your world: post it all over your social media, share a picture of how you’re reading it on Instagram/Facebook/Twitter with the hashtag #allmyfriendsarenegaged and tag me

-Buy it as a gift for that certain someone: your mom, a friend you haven’t spoken to in a really long time, the person who keeps asking you why you’re still single.

-Help me market it. Have a cool idea? Know how i can get even more people to read my baby? Email me: thethingslearned@gmail.com

H. If i didn’t like it, what should i do?

-Re-gift it. Drag & drop it in your trash can.

I. How long did it take you to write this?

-I wrote the whole book in 40 days and spent about 20-something of those days waking up in the middle of the night to rewrite it.

J.  “I think you misspelled the word jorts? Did you mean shorts?”–MY MOM

-Oh, Jorts. Read about the full meaning here.

K.Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

-Still trying to figure out an answer to this question.

L. I have really bad dating stories too. How do i write a book / get a reality show?

-Leave your terrible dating story in the comment section of this post. I’ll pick the top 5 and repost those in a future blog. If you make the list, i’ll give you a free copy of the book. Consider it a pick-me-up after the horrendous night you spent out with Mr./Ms. Wrong.

M. Are you upset that all your friends are engaged?

-It makes me happy that some of my closest friends (and some of my Facebook-only friends) have found the person in this world that they’ll spend the rest of their lives with. The ones who will stick by their side through wrinkles, expanding waistlines, and trips to IKEA. I just hope, I really do, that all of them will remember me, and hopefully will still be physically able to do the Electric Slide with me, at my wedding, someday. My friend, author Jonathan Tropper, wrote  in his book This Is Where I Leave You:“You have to stop worrying about finding love again. It will come when it comes. Get comfortable with being alone. It will empower you.” It’s absolutely the truth, my friends.

N. How do i become a better writer?

-Stop asking and start writing. And if you’re too lost in your thoughts and your worries to write, start reading. Read until your mind understands why the author stopped and started and began again during a story. But write as much as you can. Never stop. Never let anyone tell you that you can’t.

O. Why do you think dating is hard nowadays?

-20-somethings approach life differently thanks to the influx of social media and online personas that consume their lives and alter their chain of thought. What used to be meeting someone at a concert has now become we met because i liked his playlist on Spotify. Meeting someone at a networking event has now become we met after we connected on LinkedIn. And it’s almost impossible to go on a “blind date” thanks to the amount of information you get on a person after a quick Google search.

P. Why’d you chose to write about dating?

-It’s simple. I wanted to remind people that it’s okay to have a really bad or awkward first date. It shouldn’t be grounds to throw your arms up in the air and swear off dating. Though there’s been times i’ve done that temporarily, i’ve always lifted my butt off the couch and tried again. That’s just the key to life. What goes wrong when you desperately want it to go right can be cured and fixed with two simple things: laughter and a second try.

Q. Are you scared no one will want to date you after this?

-I’m more scared that every guy I date from now on will ask me, are you going to write about me? That question is my ultimate pet peeve–though i fully understand why someone would ask me that. It’s not the reason why i write and it’s never, ever, my reasoning for going out on a date with a person. Guys may be scared to date me. But the right person will take me and this book into his arms and not even flinch. I’m not scared of finding that person.

R. I have a stack of dating advice books. What should i do with them?

-Put them in the recycling bin. Use them as coasters on your dining room table. Pile them up and use them as a step stool. Just don’t read them. The only dating advice you should follow is: trust your gut on a date. Never let anyone make you feel uncomfortable. And please don’t settle.

S. Who influenced this book?

-Anyone who has ever taken me out on a date. To that cluster of brave men, thank you. I’ll never forget some of you and i’m sure, for very different reasons (like the stains on your button-down shirts, the awkward hug goodbye, our heated political debates), you’ll never forget me.

T. Do you make money off this?

-Yes. But not much. Probably just enough to support my pizza eating habits  for a few months and pay off a fraction of my debt to library.

U. Why are you still single?

-Please refer back to “E.”

V. How do i get a print version?

-I hope some day this book will be on the shelves of Barnes and Noble. Until then, hook up with a printer.

W. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done this year in terms of dating?

-A month ago, after putting up with my mom pestering me that i must be using JDate wrong. I gave her my username and password and she browsed around. After about 3 hours and one mom-like message to a guy on my behalf, she realized online dating isn’t as easy as it may seem.

X. How do i stop being so nervous when i’m on a date?

-I recently hung out with a friend, who is also a stand up comedian. He gave me a piece of advice to hold onto that he uses both on the stage and on dates. He said: go into it thinking if it doesn’t work out, there will other people, other chances. This is just one, tiny experience and one, single person. It’s never worth it to place so much pressure on going up there or getting out there. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, you just try again.

Y. Why should i spend $3.99 on this book?

-This book is less expensive than a double shot of espresso at Starbucks, a lipstick from the drugstore, a long-distance phone call to your friend who is studying abroad in France.

Z. This last one is not a question. But a thank you. I want you to know that every single time one of you writes something on your social media or calls me about the book, i sit on the other end of our interaction and practically have to fight back the tears that are trying to burst out of my eye sockets. It means the entire world to me. When you sign a mental contract with yourself, committing to following your dreams no matter what (you give up a lot: your free time, your weekends, your relationships with people) it can get a bit lonely. But it can also be the most overwhelmingly beautiful feeling to do what you’ve always wanted to do. When i went to write some of these stories, i felt my heart beat sync up with the chomping sounds of my fingers as they hit my overworked keyboard and i was flushed with emotion. It just felt right to finally write. It’s scary and gorgeous. Remarkable and difficult. Inconsistent and exciting. I hope one day i’ll have the chance to hug all of you. To buy you a slice of pizza and tell you face-to-face how much all of this really means to me. Until then, all my virtual love.

Purchase the book: Amazon + iTunes

Read the book on your phone + computer: Download the Kindle app for PC or for MAC

Have any more questions + want to say hello + send me a selfie of you reading the book + ask me on a date?

Email: thethingslearned@gmail.com

Connect with me on: Twitter + Facebook

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